Works for me Wendesday – On Grief and Grieving

Last week as I traveled to Michigan for our annual family reunion, I picked up a copy of On Grief and Grieving: Finding the Meaning of Grief Through the Five Stages of Loss
by Elisabeth Kubler-Ross.

I was familiar with Elisabeth Kubler-Ross and her her first book,On Death and Dying years ago. On Grief and Grieving: Finding the Meaning of Grief Through the Five Stages of Loss was written shortly before her death in 2004 and she shares her own feelings of grief as at the end of her life throughout the book.

This isn’t a clinical book. Ms. Ross and her co-author David Kessler look at the spiritual and religious aspects of death as thoroughly as they look at the practical. I love a book with anecdotes and this book is full of them.

Several parts stood out for me. I loved the story of the dying wife who told her husband and the chaplain that angles had visited her the night before and she felt very comforted by them. The chaplain shared this news with the woman’s doctor who said, “seeing angels? that’s a bad sign!” to which the chaplain replied, “maybe medically, but spiritually it’s a very good sign!”

There isn’t an aspect of grief that I could think of that wasn’t covered in this book, from loss of a child to loss of a parent and spouse, from natural death at old age, accidents, and suicide. It even addresses the grief of co-workers and friends.

The book also focused on some very practical elements of grief. Two in particular stood out to me – sex and money. The book explores how women and men cope with grief and sex differently. When a man experiences grief he may turn to sex as a way of reconnecting with love and life. So the experience of wanting to have sex after the loss of a parent, friend or child would not be an unusual or unhealthy response for a man. The sex is more about the reconnection and feeling alive than about sexual desire. Women respond to sex during grief differently of course. Women might not be able to turn off their minds focused on loss long enough to have sex and women also tend to feel guilty, as if they shouldn’t experience pleasure and intimacy when someone they love has lost their life.

I had blogged earlier about how guilty I felt about having some money from my mother after her death and the book had a brief chapter on that natural reaction as well.

I didn’t agree with all the conclusions in the book however. Ms. Ross really dislikes funeral homes and apparently the cosmetics of viewing hours, preferring a more natural death and home setting. I have many good memories of visiting the deceased with the family and loved ones at the funeral home where everyone remembers and has a celebration. My own mother’s recent calling hours was a very special and even joyous time for us so I think maybe her analysis of that isn’t universal. And while I do admit that no body looks their best dead, it was comforting for me to see my mom dressed up with her hair done and make up one more time after the months of seeing her sick and witnessing her agonizing last hours.

Still, I think there is something for everyone who is going to go through this experience at one point or another. I think I might buy some paper back copies of this book to give to friends who might appreciate it in the future as I have found it to be very helpful.

Works for Me

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