Last weekend I was sitting at soccer commiserating with another mom whose son attended high school. It seems that he started going steady with a younger girl and the two were inseparable, kissing in the hall way, holding hands, the whole thing. Now this mom and her husband were trying to monitor the situation, using a balance of granting some privileges and freedoms with some common sense. One of their rules included not providing their son with a cell phone.
As time went by they discovered that their son had a cell phone- bought, paid for and supported by his girlfriend’s mother! Their son had deliberately disobeyed them, but this other mother had deliberately usurped their parental authority as well!
I could definitely feel this soccer mom’s pain! I have had nothing but disappointment and hurt feelings with Calvin’s girlfriend’s parents.
For us it started when Calvin started dating this girl and would stay at her home until 2:00 a.m. or later. As he was only 17 at the time and had not even been driving for six months, I was out of my mind with worry, especially on those dark, cold winter nights. I finally called this girl’s father and begged him nicely to please appreciate my motherly paranoia and kick his butt out of their home by 11:30! I pointed out that Calvin was not an experienced driver and had not had to deal with severe weather conditions. The dad assured me that he would. I think he did once and then after that he told Calvin that he was “old enough” to make his own decisions. And that was that. Calvin continues to defy us with the aid of these other parents.
I have learned to swallow my pride and deal with a lot of this. I go to bed, say a prayer that my son doesn’t end up dead in a ditch somewhere and let it go. I am actually able to sleep now before he gets home.
However these parents continued to undermine us. Last spring Calvin said he wanted to spend the night at his girlfriend’s house after prom. We absolutely forbid it. Then the GF Father called and tried to talk Mr. Pete into it. We still refused however the night of the prom Calvin spent the night there, with the GF daddy’s permission. We were hurt and livid although we felt somewhat better when we learned a number of other young people stayed the night there as well. Still the damage had been done and I have some hard feelings towards these people.
Recently, I got some information from Calvin’s charter e-school that they are going to have a graduation ceremony on June 10. Calvin is going to participate in our homeschool group’s graduation ceremony the end of May, but I was happy to see his school was providing one as well, with all the pomp and circumstance, caps and gowns. It would also be a chance for me to thank some of the teachers and administrators there who supported Calvin and his swimming career.
When I mentioned this to Calvin however he informed me that he will not be in town June 10 – he will be on vacation with his GF and her parents!! No amount of pleading on my part could change his mind.
As I look back over the last couple of years with Calvin, I see so many things that I wish I had done differently, things that eventually lead to him meeting this girl in the first place. But if not her, it would have been someone else. What did I do to this child to get booted from the top of the respected elders list to clinging to the margins of the periphery?
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It sucks, but it’s completely natural. You’re going to go through some version of this with all your kids. It won’t necessarily involve girlfriends/boyfriends and staying out until early morning (how on earth did he manage to get away with that? My parents are ex-hippie secular types who would have kicked my ass if I did that), but you’re going to find yourself on the outer at some point.
For my older sister it involved screaming matches, declarations of hatred and threats of moving away and never letting my parents see their (eventual) grandkids.
For me it involved just going quiet and blocking them out of my life.
It’s horrible and painful and the teens actually do know that they are inflicting such pain, but they don’t care. I actually took a lot of perverse pleasure in imagining my mother crying herself to sleep over our broken connection. I loved the idea of having that kind of power over my parental units.
It’ll probably get worse with Calvin until the age of about 23/24. It doesn’t make you a bad mother, it’s just the normal process.
You sound like my husband! I know this too shall pass, it’s just hard.
I don’t know how Calvin pulled this off except that with school, work and swim team he had more running around to do that I could do with five other kids to care for, one of which was a baby/toddler. So we’d take the car away, let him walk hither and yon for a while, lay down the law, give back the car and he’d go right back to his bad behaviors.
At this point I just think it would be best if he moved out.
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Elena… you have just put my worst fears for my kids into words… I am dreading this like crazy and with a daughter turning 15 in August.. yikes!!! When did you allow your son to start dating? We told our daughter and sons they must be 16 ( I had to wait until I was 16 and it did not kill me!)
I suppose I don’t understand why you let him use the car to go see his girlfriend when he obviously had no respect for you or the rules you set. Granted, I am not a mother of teenagers, but I don’t get letting kids walk all over you. I’m a total Dr. Ray Guarendi fan, and he is totally on the money. He teaches you how to be in control of your kids: http://www.drray.com. He has a new book on dealing with teenagers. Maybe you should get it?
Thanks Tracy.
Jane we don’t let him use the care to see his girlfriend. We let him use the car to go to work with the idea tht he would save money for college. He would drive to his girlfriend’s house AFTER work.
BTW, Ray Guarendi is an acquaintance of mine as his family is in my homeschool group. We even had meetings in his home!
Elena, I’m so sorry for what you’re going through right now. It reminds me of what my siblings and I put my parents through at times. You and your family will certainly be in my prayers!
I am so sorry that you are going through this. My kiddos are still relatively young, but I know that I have to pay the piper eventually for what I did to my parents. I am sure that my children will happily treat me the same way that I treated my parents when I was 18 and thought that I knew everything. If I makes you feel any better, I am totally sorry for all of the times that I acted like a little snot head to my mom. Now I know that my parents were right 99% of the time, and the other times they were just worried because they love me. I am sure that Calvin will also see the wisdom and love in your actions many years from now, like when he has teenagers of his own. 😉
As a side note, I am insanely jealous that you know Dr. Ray! I love his show and listen to it whenever I can. He and Drew Mariani are my faves on Relevant Radio. You’re so lucky!
Hi, Elena. I know it’s been a while, but I wanted to add that if you know the Guarendis, what do you think Dr. Ray would say? I listen to him a LOT, and I would guess he would say you take away the car… no more swim team, no more work. Yes, it would be nice if he would earn money for college, but if he’s abusing the priviledge, he loses the car… indefinitely. He also loses you doing his laundry and cooking his meals (but maybe he already does his own laundry and meals, I don’t know).
I think I am blessed in that my husband is a firm, but loving, disciplinarian. He has said if it were us, if our oldest wasn’t home by curfew, he would go to the GF house and bring him home. If the parents don’t let him in, he involves the police (as your son is still a minor).
The whole “this too shall pass” attitude is a mistake. It will only get worse if you do not take a stand.
It’s unfortunate that your only option is for him to move out, but he would not survive for long on his own earning minimum wage. Then when he wants to come back, MAYBE then he’ll respect your rules.
Do not blame yourself and busy-ness with other kids. Calvin is a big boy and knows better. He’s just following the path of temptation, but the key here is to stand strong as a parent not condone the behavior or wait for it to pass. I pray that I will be able to have that attitude when our kids are teenagers.
God bless you… and Calvin too.
Me again. 🙂 My husband mentioned something worth posting. He said not to be a tyrant, but lovingly stand your ground, mostly because of the example this is setting for your other children.
Your other children are watching what is going on, and how you are responding. If you do nothing, they are learning that they can behave that way when they are 17, and have no consequence (other than the occasional temporary loss of driving priviledges). That is the biggest reason (in my husband’s opinion) to discipline and make it clear that behavior like that is not going to be tolerated.
Thanks for listening. 🙂 I know e-chat can be misread, and I hope you can take my advice for what it is… not admonishing, just encouraging you to stand strong instead of having an attitude of “all teens go through this, and there’s nothing I can do.” Everyone I know with teens seems to have that attitude, and it leaves us scratching our heads. My sister-in-law’s husband said by the time your kids are teens, you are just too tired to discipline. Maybe that’s the issue? Again another point of prayer… for the strength to discipline the way that is needed. Dr. Ray’s book is “Good Discipline, Great Teens.” Since you know his family, you know this book would be a great resource. God bless you and your endeavors to keep your kids on the right path!