I have been discussing an e-letter by a nice lady named Laine. You can see the letter I am referring to here. Her web site and archive of all of her letters here. And the two parts of my comments on her letter entitled Private, Private, Private are here and here.
The main gist of Laine’s Letter is this:
But who am I to tell another woman how many children that means for her and her husband? How do I know what is going on in their marriage? How do I know how many grandchildren God might give them? Is it not a private matter between the two of them and God? His body is her body. Her body is his body. They are one. I am not a part of their union, and I have no business prying and asking questions, nor giving advice when I am not asked. Likewise someone to me. I am to submit to my own husband, and she is to submit to her own husband.
Likewise, just as one probably wouldn’t ask someone how much money they make, or why they don’t drive a better car, or live in a certain neighborhood, I think it is best not to inquire about the lack or abundance of children in the family. To reiterate what I wrote in part 1,we are called to think the best of everyone unless they prove otherwise, and even then we are to give them the benefit of a doubt. I think it is best to assume that there are some special challenges and sorrows there, as there are for all of us in all vocations and walks of life, and leave it at that.
That also means that this is not something one should bring up in public with casual friends and acquaintances. It’s not considered good manners for someone to mention in casual settings how much money they made, or how much was spent for a new car, boat or other luxury item. The same holds true in my opinion for talking about a couple’s reproductive life. About the only polite thing I can think might be socially acceptable to say in some settings is, “We’re having a baby!” The polite reply is “Congratulations. ” Anything else, is unnecessary and we don’t need to know!!
Of course the modern Catholic Christian in a fallen world is not going to get off that easy! In a world where ladies walk in their underwear on t.v. and contraception is advertised on prime time t.v. it is not uncommon in my experience to have folks say right out loud (sometimes in front of their other children!) to complete strangers that they are done having any more babies by choice.
As I also said in part 1, I have simply taken to saying, “I’m sorry” and leaving it at that. I think those words say it all. It is not a validation, nor is it an acceptance. It also makes for a quick change of subject or a clean get away.
Some may ask why this is a problem at all? Why just not say anything. The short answer is contraception (and abortion for that matter), regardless of how available, legal, wide spread, safe or convenient, is still wrong. The Catholic Church has always taught that way, and prior to 1930 so did every other Christian denomination on earth. Since as a Catholic I believe that is still true, then as a Catholic I am required to speak for the truth. For more info on that see the spiritual works of mercy and the Catechism of the Catholic church 1868.
Realistically however, knowing that going into a theological discourse on the evils of contraception and/or abortion at the soccer field or grocery store would probably be as inappropriate as bringing it up in the first place, I think my two word reply is sufficient.
I really don’t think it is necessary to make a big announcement in real life or cyberspace that one has completed their family via permanent sterilization measures! If it’s absolutely necessary to “vent” about it by typing it out on a blog, a private blog or one that is by invitation only (blogger offers these) is the way to go. Anything else not only makes it fair game for further comment, but in fact can obligate the reader’s conscience to respond either in comments or via e-mail. That goes double when the blog post is meant to “inspire and encourage” other women down the same (in my view erroneous) path.
However, if a blogger feels compelled to share this, because they want to share this “perspective,” it’s only reasonable to expect others who feel compelled to come forward and respectfully disagree. It is unreasonable in my view, once again, to expect to put this out on the world wide web and then chastize folks for not minding their own business! If it really is no body’s business – “Don’t ask but certainly DON’T TELL!”
How funny that this goes perfectly with what I wrote about yesterday.
I am definitely don’t-ask-don’t tell, but my husband hasn’t learned the finer points of holding his tongue and smiling.
As for my blog–I did write about my choice there–and I probably will again. At least there I can sort out my thoughts without interuption.
As for the possibility of disagreement from a reader–well, bring it on. I’ve already alienated most who read my blog by beginning to tell the truth as I see it!
The truth is, I don’t know whether to laugh or to cry when an aquaintance tells me that I shouldn’t have any more children. The ignorance and disrespect that it shows is disheartening. Don’t they know how the question must can agonize a couple? Don’t they think that I (and my husband, above all, know how sick I get when I’m pregnant?
How sad it is for me to realize that people must think I am a fool, stupid, or both.
Erin that was a great post! You explained yourself well and I think you are the face of the modern married Catholic walking the walk. Thanks for expressing it so well.
If a man volunteers to me that he has been “fixed,” I will often reply “You mean you’re broken. You don’t work right anymore.” I only use this in appropriate situations, and it is always played off as a joke, so I’ve never offended anyone. But every single time I’ve made this comment, the man, after laughing, has said, “You know, I never thought of it that way before.”