The New York Times had an extraordinary piece about the unconditional love of a mother for her new child and her willingness to protect and nurture that child in the face of adversity and hardship.
Some excerpts:
A CT scan confirmed that there had been a tumor that someone, somewhere, had removed. It had been a sloppy job; nerves were damaged, and as Natalie grew her condition would worsen, eventually leaving her paralyzed from the waist down. Control over her bladder and bowels would go, too; this had already begun, as indicated by her loose sphincter. Yes, she had a form of spina bifida, as well as a cyst on her spine.
I looked at my husband in shock, waiting for him to tell me that I had misunderstood everything. But he only shook his head.
I held on to him and cried into his chest, angry that creating a family seemed so impossible for us, and that life had already been so difficult for Natalie.
Now we faced surgeries, wheelchairs, colostomy bags. I envisioned our home in San Diego with ramps leading to the doors. I saw our lives as being utterly devoted to her care. How would we ever manage?
Yet how could we leave her? Had I given birth to a child with these conditions, I wouldn’t have left her in the hospital. Though a friend would later say, “Well, that’s different,” it wasn’t to me.
This is a mother who understands that one of the most fundamental things a mom does for her kids is to advocate for them! To be the one to believe even when no one else believes! To be the one that loves even when your heart will be broken. To be the one that holds and loves over and over again when that is all that can be done because that is what a mother truly does.
As I read this article, I thought about a mother on another blog who was faced with some devastating news about her own unborn baby.
My husband and I decided that we would have to use the golden rule. We would do for him what we would want done for us in the same situation.
We tried to look at the evidence as honestly as we could. Even the best case scenario was abominable.. he would lead a very short life of only a few years at the very most. During those years he would be in constant pain from the ceaseless, charley-horse-type cramps that would rack his body. He would undergo numerous, largely ineffective surgeries, just to stay alive. He would never be able to walk or stand; never grasp anything, never be able to hold himself upright. He wouldn’t even be able to suck his own thumb for comfort. And this was only if we were lucky.
That couple chose to abort.
I always found this mom’s choice of words to be disturbing. If I were in a dire situation, in pain, suffering and unable to do for myself – particularly when I was a little child, weak and fearful, the last thing I ever imagined I would want my loving mother to do is purposely end my life! I can’t imagine that is what Jesus had in mind either when he gave us the Golden Rule! Mothers are nurturers, believers, advocates and comforters. By what stretch can one ever imagine that Jesus intended mothers to kill their sick, injured, suffering children?
When I was a little girl what I wanted from my mother was for her to hold me when I was in pain, to listen to me when I needed to talk, to just be there and to stick up for me whether it was with the doctor, or the school or even a bully’s mother And I in turn practiced doing those things with my dollys, vowing that that I would be that kind of mother for my own children. That no matter how badly they needed me, regardless of how sick they were, or how badly they messed up, I was going to be their rock, their advocate, their mom.
It never ever ocurred to me that the “do unto others” part would be to kill or abandon them, because I never felt like I was being systematically murdered or left to fend for myself. I always felt loved, nurtured, strengthened, and encouraged.
The mother in the NY Times piece gets it. She gets that being a mom requires strength and courage even when you feel like you have very little of both. Frankie’s mom understood that as well. That’s what the Golden Rule really means. It is one of Jesus’s fundamental teachings. The second mother in my opinion misuses this Christian teaching. It is a life affirming and life giving command, not one that avoids hardship and pain because. It is a command that gives hope; it does not eliminate all possibility or kill potential for miracles.
The NY Times mom ends her article with the following:
NOW she is nearly 3, with thick brown hair, gleaming teeth and twinkling eyes. She takes swimming lessons, goes to day care and insists on wearing flowered sandals to dance. I say to her, “Ohhhh, Natalie,” and she answers, “Ohhhh, Mama.” And I blink back happy tears.
Our decision was right because she was our daughter and we loved her. We would not have chosen the burdens we anticipated, and in fact we declared upfront our inability to handle such burdens. But we are stronger than we thought.
Ultimately, our journey on this world is one that prepares us for the next. That was what Jesus came to show us and teach us. “Doing unto” our children with love and strength and courage in the face of adversity is our greatest challenge, but can also be our greatest gift. Congratulations to the NY Times mom for illustrating that so beautifully.
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