I’ve actually been feeling pretty good about Raphael since the New Year started. I noticed that last week I didn’t wake up with that dull indescribable ache that you get when you wake up and remember that it wasn’t a bad dream – it’s real. I didn’t have that heavy feeling of having irretrievably lost or misplaced something. I didn’t cry every day for the first time since it happened and I thought “ah ha!! I’m getting over it… I’m better!”
And yet, some odd things happened to bring it to the front of my mind again. I did make it to Jazzercise twice last week. (No, I didn’t lose those 10 pounds in December, but I didn’t gain any weight either. I’m told that to maintain during the holidays is an accomplishment in and of itself and I agree!) I was doing pretty good too as I hadn’t stopped exercising altogether in December, I just couldn’t get in as many classes as I usually do. As I was feeling pretty proud of myself after finishing a particularly challenging class, an Jazzercise acquaintance of mine came up and said, “Hey, are you expecting again?” That’s the second time in one month. I don’t think I look pregnant. In fact I was just beginning to see some muscle definition return to that area. Still if I wear certain clothes (an oversized T in this case) I guess it could make someone wonder. I explained that no, I wasn’t expecting and then I joked that the following week I was going to do extra ab work and we both laughed.
The next class there was an infant crying in the playroom. I did have my youngest in there, but she is 4 and she doesn’t cry like an infant any more. She has a distinctive whine though, so I knew it wasn’t her. Our instructor asked another mom if that baby crying was hers and she said she thought so, and then she looked right at me and said, “unless that’s your baby.” I was sort of stunned. I’ve had a baby in there off and on over the past 14 years, but I haven’t had an infant for four years. I think she just assumed I did.
These were unsettling in a way. I thought perhaps it was a sign that I wasn’t supposed to push this too far into my past yet.
Then on Friday, the kids and I decided to go to the library to get some books and movies and return old books to keep my library fees to a minimum. In the children’s section I saw a very nice acquaintance from church. I hadn’t seen her in a while but when she had her first child we chatted a bit about childbirth, babies, etc. At that time since I had just had my fifth so I felt somewhat like a big sister or mentor to her. I even took a meal over to her when she had her first born – a spirited little boy who was now playing very nicely with his learning software on the library computer.
We chatted, got caught up-to-date on what was going on in our lives, how were the kids, how are the husbands etc. etc. Several times she said something about having more children and I got the impression that she was either pregnant or trying, so I asked if she thought she was expecting. She told me then that she had just lost a baby before Christmas, and how difficult and sad it was for her understandably. I shared my story with Raphael and we ended up crying in front of each other, in the children’s section of the public library. (Now that I think about it none of our children thought a thing about it… hmm?)
After my stillbirth I found a number of sites that were helpful to me and I wanted to share them with her so I sent her an e-mail with the links. It’s hard to explain, but somehow putting this into words for her, was very healing to me. The words and feelings just poured out and I realized that what I was typing to comfort her, I truly and fully believed myself.
Maybe I’m not supposed to put this on the back burner of my mind and life just yet.
Anyway, here’s my note.
Dear D,
I am so sorry about your loss. As Catholics we believe that from the moment we conceived those tiny babies, we became their mothers and they will always be our children. It is still very hard to lose them though, and I’m sure our Blessed Mother understands our pain.
I also think that in this culture we don’t allow time for grief and grieving and especially for miscarried and stillborn babies, we’re sort of expected to “get over it.” But the truth is you don’t really ever get over it, and I don’t think we’re supposed to. I think they’re always supposed to be written on our Mother’s hearts – they pierce our hearts with love just as Mary’s heart was pierced, and I think that’s a cross that we really have a special privilege to bear. If the goal is to get our children to heaven, then we really have succeeded with these babies, they are very special and are praying for us.
Yet it’s a pain we have to live with and I found these sites, especially the Church of the Holy Innocents, to be very helpful. We still talk about our baby Raphael almost everyday, we ask him to pray for us, he has an ornament that I put on the Christmas tree, but also I keep it out the rest of the year… just finding special ways to remember makes him more real for us and his brother and sister. I’m sure as time goes on you’ll find special ways of doing that as well. We even had a cake on Raphael’s birthday – a life to celebrate! and we did
Anyway I hope you find these helpful. God Bless all of you! Elena
Anyway it was good to share with someone who has been there.
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