Monday, September 14, 2009

Simple Woman





Outside my window...
Blue skies, but the slightest hint of fall is in the air, and the tree outside my window that was the last to put out leaves this spring, is already starting to turn yellow.

I am thinking...
about the difference in grief between my stillborn son and my mother. With my little boy, I felt an obligation to hang on to my grief and to remember him. After all his only connection to this earth during his short life had been through me and so his memory would only exist primarily through me and by my efforts. So I felt compelled to go to the cemetery regularly and compelled to have little mementos and remembrances in my life and in my house to keep that close to me.

But with my mother it's a little difference. My mom was so much a part of my life, particularly over the past eleven years. I called her or she called me every day. We talked about the kids, we talked about homeschooling, we talked about books and movies and her three ABC soaps! If there was a message on my voice mail, it was from her. If someone was calling me between 6:30 or 8:30 a.m. - it was her. She went to soccer games and piano recitals and art shows and sang with the music ministry or played the organ for the retirement home and had infiltrated my life in a gazillion different little ways. And not having her here has ripped a huge hole in the fabric of my life that cannot be filled with husband, children, sibling or friends. So to sew up that huge gap, I have to cut away the fragmented ends and work with good material. I have to try to forget her a little bit more every day until this dull ache gradually goes away.

The difference between the two griefs is just so striking.

I am thankful for...
Everyday. I think once you get into middle age and have no more parents or grandparents you really start appreciating each day for what it is.

From the learning rooms...
We start homeschooling this week. All the sports and all of the activities - the whole enchilada starts this week.

From the kitchen...
Casseroles. I am in the mood for a lot of casseroles and crock pot food this week.

I am wearing...
I bought some work out pants from Target. They fit, they're comfortable, they clean up easily - I got three pairs!

I am creating...
a fresh start, a clean mind and a pure heart.

I am going...
to start my new exercise regimen. I am going to walk every day between 6 and 7 a.m. with Sam. I also want to make it to a couple of daily masses a week. The group of people that attend our church's daily masses are just really, really special and I've made up my mind I want to be part of that group.

I am reading...

Anticancer: A New Way of Life
(although personally I don't think there's much you can do about it - still it's worth a look.)

Senior High: A Home-Designed Form+U+La
The most intriguing homeschool book I've read in a long time!

 

Your Best Birth: Know All Your Options, Discover the Natural Choices, and Take Back the Birth Experience
I'm hoping to blog on this later this week.

I am hoping...
step on the scale at the end of the week and see a happy number.
I am hoping to have everyone do math and reading at least every day
I am hoping to have Sam's high school courses going.
I am hoping to keep the house in good order.
I am hoping not to lose my mind!

I am hearing... The air conditioner which actually masks the usual buzzing in my ears. I'm going to miss that!

Around the house...
Have Mr. Pete finish with the shingles, and I am going to tackle the classroom!

A few plans for the rest of the week: Ditto above!

A picture I am sharing:
P1060041
The little girl in red in the picture above is my niece and the kids' first cousin.  She was born when Raphael should have been and for a few years it was too painful to be around her so I missed a few family get togethers. And then later when we would get together I would look at her and wonder "what if."  But at the wedding last week she made friends with my girls, particularly Rosie, and they had a great time together. 

10326_936905960803_2226468_51783069_3960280_n


I guess she will always be my yardstick for where I would be if that child had lived, but at the same time she is her own little person and I hope the cousins can be good friends.

 P1060044

 





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