End of a swimming era

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It’s an interesting dance that Calvin, Mr. Pete and I seem to dancing these days. One of dependence/independence, his perceived wants vs. real needs, trying to treat him as an adult when in reality he is still very much a dependent. I feel as if most of the time we end up treading all over each other’s toes with the resulting pain and sometimes hard feelings.

During the “discussion” held after Calvin came home at 3:00 a.m. a week ago, Calvin asserted that we never support him, we never praise him, and we just have never been there for him. I smiled to myself that not only were we “not guilty” as charged, I have documentation to show otherwise.

Gosh, what an incredibly short memory Calvin has for someone who is only 18 years old! He remembers nothing of all of the swim meets and soccer games we sat through in all types of weather? and apparently my sitting with him the first few times he attended his digital academy on his first ventures to academia outside of our homeschool are lost in the recesses of his mind as well. Of course Mr. Pete also purchased and assembled a very nice computer center for Calvin so that he could do all of his school work on line. One would think that would stand as a daily reminder of love and support. Guess not.

Last night was Senior Recognition night at Calvin’s very last regular high school swim meet. I had received a note about it weeks ago asking for pictures of Calvin and also a paragraph about him. I found a plethora of baby pictures. Since Calvin is our first born, there were tons to choose from. I also wrote what I felt was a very nice article about my son, speaking of his strengths and plans for the future. All of these were going to be assembled with the other Senior Swimmer’s artifacts into a nice keepsake book.

It’s hard to describe the atmosphere between us yesterday. Mr. Pete, of course, was at work so it didn’t affect him too much. But there was just a little awkwardness between Calvin and I. He said he didn’t know if they were still going to have Senior Recognition night because the other team’s school buses had been vandalized the night before. He said that he didn’t care if they had it or not and that he wasn’t sure if he wanted us to come even if they did. What was I planning to wear? Would we bring the other kids? Would his dad have a hair cut?

And then it hit me. Calvin was embarrassed by us! It seemed he was saying that if we came, he was going to be embarrassed by our appearance! We ended it by Calvin getting out of the car at the high school without looking back. At that point he didn’t know if we were coming or not and frankly, neither did I.

I quickly drove over to a local department store. It’s true that I do dress very conservatively and most of the time I look like someone’s mother. It’s also true that because I am carrying a few more pounds than I should, I tend to dress under bulkier clothes. Keeping in mind that baggy doesn’t hide pounds but accentuates them, I found something a little dressier, a little more form fitting and maybe a bit more fun than I usually wear. I splurged on some earrings too and did my makeup. With black slacks, my brand new top, earrings and makeup I think I looked a little fresher and definitely not as matronly. When Mr. Pete got home he was sporting a new hair cut. And while I don’t think anyone would mistakes us for Brad and Angelina, I think we looked appropriate, perhaps young for our age, but definitely not ready to sign up for AARP or food stamps.

We lined up in the hallway with the other senior parents. We were supposed to be in alphabetical order. When the swimmers came out I saw Calvin searching for us. I think I saw a sigh of relief when he found us. We were where we have usually always been, there to support him.

Calvin offered me his arm and we were escorted into the pool area while they read Calvin’s name out loud and the paragraphs I had written about him. They gave me a yellow rose and then we promenaded to the other side of the pool.

We had made it. All of the swim lessons, swim practices, driving to the pool, paying the seasonal fees, waiting for Calvin to get out of the locker room, cheering him on when he was swimming absolutely phenomenally as well as when it seemed he was swimming through muck… all of it was ending this night and I was very proud of all three of us.

Calvin on the Block

Diving in

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6 Comments

  1. Oh Elena, Calvin sounds so much like my Kendra, only problem is that Kendra is 14 going on 21 (or she thinks that she is) it is amazing how much our kids can hurt us with their words sometimes and yet they don’t seem to realize it.. I just think to myself.. just you wait till your a parents Kendra and your daughter or son says this stuff to you.. cause I did the same thing to my parents and I guess it must be part of growing up but it doesn’t make it any easier… I think you handled it awesome.. I need to try that sometime and not react so much to her words to me, maybe I’ll surprise her, lol!

  2. If it makes you feel any better, I long for a little teenaged independence or rebellion from my oldest. What Calvin is doing is infuriating, but normal (and of course it was far more important to him that you showed up than what he was willing to let on)and the only thing worse than an infuriating teen (other, I suppose than one who is REALLY in trouble) is one who isn’t developing normally.

  3. “Calvin asserted that we never support him, we never praise him, and we just have never been there for him.”

    Ouch, that broke my heart a little. In time, he will come to understand.

  4. While his words were extremely hurtful, I think you handled it amazingly well. His behavior is normal and I’m sure he’ll realize what you’ve done for him as he matures.

  5. God bless you and Mr. Pete! I’m sorry your feelings were hurt by Calvin’s accusations. I’m glad you recognize his behavior as pretty much normal teenage behavior.

    Thank God that Calvin has two wonderful, loving parents who have sacrificed for him and made themselves available to him and to support him. He’s probably feeling a sense of loss over the fact that swimming, this huge part of his life, is coming to an end, and naturally he takes out his uncertainty and anxiety on those closest to him, those who will continue to love and support him no matter what. What wonderful role models you and Mr. Pete were for Calvin by listening to his concerns, taking action to alleviate his concerns and showing up to support him even in the face of his ambivalence to your presence.

    Swim team is a very demanding sport for the parents of the swimmers. I congratulate you and Mr. Pete for your dedication to Calvin’s participation all these years. That Calvin has yet to see it as a sacrifice made by you on his behalf speaks volumes about you and his father. I’m sure in time he will recognize all the love and sacrifice you two have offered him but, maybe not til he’s up at some horrendous hour driving his own children to swim practice when he’d much rather be sleeping in his warm bed.

    Thank you, Elena, for raising your beautiful children in the light of God’s love. We are all so very fortunate for parents like you and Mr. Pete to be raising our future generations.

  6. (((hugs))) and prayers for you and yours.

    Also, i would like to just mention that you have been nominated for my new creation, a ‘you make the world a better place’ award.

    http://catholicconvert.wordpress.com/2008/01/31/you-make-the-world-a-better-place-tag-e-card/

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