This year, as luck would have it, Mr. Pete will not be able to be with me to give the Pre-Cana talk that we have given for the past four years. I had to change the talk around for next week. Here is what I’m planning!
Marriage as a Sacrament
Intro: I hope you have all had a great Pre-Cana day so far! What you are seeing right now is an exercise I marital graciousness. For the past four years I have given this talk with my husband. This year, he tells me that there is a business convention that he HAS to attend this weekend, but that he will try to be here in time for our “talk.” He’s in Columbus and they weren’t even going to start taking down their exhibit until 1:00 p.m.! So when I did the math and figured out that this was going to be a solo, it also occurred to me that our old talk, our “duet” was going to need a re – write! Color me annoyed!! But this is part of that give and take in a marriage – I’ll make him pay later!! Ha ha
My name is Elena. I have two things that make me qualified to give this talk: I’m Catholic, and I have been married for 28 years, in a row, to the same guy!
My one minute faith witness is, I was a cradle Catholic, grew up in a devout Catholic Household. Went to Catholic schools in the unfortunate era after Vatican II where they didn’t know quite what to teach, so they taught nothing. Then in my early 20s I did the Catholic/Easter Catholic thing. But my mother, my strong prayer warrior mother, kept praying for me, and kept giving me religious gifts. I tried to thank her graciously and put my 4 foot tall Resurrection cross in the closet, and misplaced all the rosaries and religious books. Then my sister left the church and started asking me all of those ex-Catholic type of questions; Why do you call your priests “Father?” Where in the bible does it talk about praying to Mary? Why is the Catholic Church against birth control? And I honestly didn’t know. Luckily, I did have the grace of some common sense and I figured the Catholic Church just didn’t make this stuff up for no reason. And I set out to discover those reasons and then decide whether I agreed with them or not. And that in a nutshell was my reversion back to my Catholic Faith.
Peter is my high school sweetheart. We have 7 children, 6 here, 1 in heaven, 4 boys in a row and then 2 girls. They ages 18, 14, 11, 8, 7, and 1. We’ve done the for better, and we’ve done a lot of for worse. We’ve had financial hard times, we’ve lost parents, grandparents, and even a child. It hasn’t always been easy but we have kept our wedding vows and I’m going to share with you how we did it!
I am not speaking in terms of just your wedding day – although it certainly would be great if you could actively prepare for your ceremony with prayer, and study, picking readings and responses that are steeped in scripture and are meaningful to you. We are talking not so much in terms of the wedding day, but in terms of how the grace of the sacrament of marriage unfolds over time.
You’ll be just as married in a dress from Walmart, E-bay or Goodwill, flowers from the grocery store with a reception at Kentucky Fried Chicken!! The cost and elaborateness of the wedding does not predict the sacrament of the marriage!!
In fact it’s all the bad stuff that goes wrong that gets on Funniest Home Videos. So keep the cameras rolling and maybe you can earn some money on that show!!
Now
• What would you say if I told you that about half of all the couples listening our talk split up after hearing it? But it’s true!
• Young couples today are better educated than any of their ancestors. So it’s not lack of knowledge that is causing this problem. My mom had an 8th grade and my dad had a h.s. education and had a successful marriage that ended with my father’s death. Elena’s grandparents – grandpa had an 8thgrade education and grandma went to secretarial school – married over 50 years!! So it’s not education. Everyone here is educated enough for a successful marriage.
1. There are widespread beliefs or attitudes in our prevailing culture that are causing young people enter marriage with certain underlying assumptions that are harmful to a stable, happy marriage.
2. And most cases, they are blinded to the warning signs that can predict that the relationship is heading for a future breakup.
3. Why am I saying this?
4. It’s because we think our talk can make a difference for you, as it did for us.
5. We’ve found that the experiences we’re going to share with you today have saved our marriage from being a statistic.
6. And further, we have more joy and love in our marriage now than even in the first years.
1. How does God see Marriage
2. What is a sacramental marriage.
3. What the mission statement for a sacramental marriage is.
4.What can block the vision for a sacramental marriage
5.Then five steps for a successful sacramental marriage.
a. Give your life to it!
a. Personal relationship with God.
b. Relationship of couple with God in their Domestic Church.
c. Purity before and during marriage.
d. openness to new life.
I will be:
1. Presenting the Catholic understanding of the sacramental nature of marriage. I am going to be delving quite heavily into Sacred Scripture and from the Catechism of the Catholic Church. So get your bibles and catechisms ready! (chuckle I’m teasing… I know this is a Catholic crowd !!!(You all should get one of these. It is the “sure norm” for what the Catholic Church teaches and what we as Catholics believe – first one in over 500 years!)
2. Everything I am presenting is faithful to the Bible and to Church teaching. These are not just my opinions
3. Relating our personal experience.
4. Raising challenging questions for you to explore.
OK so let’s get started!!
1. How Does God See Marriage?
Scripture begins and ends with marriage
The Catechism states.
1602 Sacred Scripture begins with the creation of man and woman in the image and likeness of God and concludes with a vision of “the wedding-feast of the Lamb.” In revelations.
Genesis 218 The LORD God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him.”
Proverbs 1822 He who finds a wife finds what is good and receives favor from the LORD .
Sirach 36: 24=-25
24 A wife is her husband’s richest treasure, a helpmate, a steadying column.
25 A vineyard with no hedge will be overrun; a man with no wife becomes a homeless wanderer
Sirach 26
1 Happy the husband of a good wife, twice-lengthened are his days;
2 A worthy wife brings joy to her husband, peaceful and full is his life.
3 A good wife is a generous gift bestowed upon him who fears the LORD;
4 Be he rich or poor, his heart is content, and a smile is ever on his face.
God also knows how marriage should NOT be!
Proverbs 25:24
It is better to dwell in the corner of the housetop than in a roomy house with a quarrelsome woman!!
The Wedding Feast at Cana Pete
1613. The Church attaches great importance to Jesus’ presence at the wedding at Cana. She sees in it the confirmation of the goodness of marriage and the proclamation that thenceforth marriage will be an visible sign of Christ’s presence.
If you remember, Christ’s first miracle is to change water into wine at the wedding in Cana. Wine is a very significant symbol.
In the Old Testament
1. Wine –Symbol of richness in divine life.
2. Absence of Wine –Symbol of spiritual poverty.
3. New Testament: Agony in the Garden Angel brings cup of wine. Wine is a symbol for strength to endure suffering.
The wine is a metaphor for God’s grace!!! Only God can give us the grace to sanctify and endure the hardships of married life.
1. Every marriage will reach a crisis, where it appears that the love has vanished.
2. Real question, which cannot be avoided is this: When you have a major disagreement, When it looks like there is no way to reconcile your opposing ideas, When it looks like the love you thought was strong has disappeared, When it looks like all hope is lost, Where do you turn to renew your love?
3. And God is giving us the answer – we turn to Him, TO GOD!!!
God sees Marriage as a covenantal partnership between the man, woman and himself. And God wants to be an active partner in the marriage! He wants to be there in the bad times, he wants to pour out his graces for us IF ONLY WE GO TO HIM!! Only God can renew His original gift, but we have to ask for it.
New Testament: “God is love.” (1 John 4:7-8). Pete1 John 47Dear friends, let us love one another, for love comes from God. Everyone who loves has been born of God and knows God. 8Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love.
1. Love is infinite, eternal. Who also has infinite and eternal after their name? GOD
2. Takes 3 — lover, beloved, love itself.
3. God is third person in marriage –gives divine life.
4. soccer ball — woman=white, man=black, God=air
5. scissors –> need screw – can’t fix themselves – need higher order – people.
Elena:
There are 3 people in the marriage just like the Holy trinity God loves the son and the son loves the Father and from that emanates the Holy Spirit. Likewise the love between the husband and wife is so strong it emanates a love as well – and according to Scott Hahn, “9 months later you might have to give it a name!!!” Only in the vocation of marriage do the people embody the love and reality of the Holy Trinity.
Our culture does not reflect that.
Trista and Ryan and the sand – wise man house and all of that !!!
Pagan wedding. No mention of God
Sand nonsense – individual.
Matthew 725 “And the rain fell, and the floods came, and the winds blew and slammed against that house; and yet it did not fall, for it had been founded on the rock. 26 “Everyone who hears these words of Mine and does not act on them, will be like a foolish man who built his house on the sand. 27 “The rain fell, and the floods came, and the winds blew and slammed against that house; and it fell–and great was its fall.”
Jesus says in Matthew 16:24
24Then Jesus said to his disciples, “If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross and follow me.
Now this will require sacrifice and picking up our crosses instead of stepping over them. We have to choose to keep trying if we want marriage to work.
Jesus doesn’t say you will be doing this work alone!!
1615 However, Jesus has not placed on spouses a burden impossible to bear, or too heavy -.It is by following Christ, renouncing themselves, and taking up their crosses that spouses will be able to “receive” the original meaning of marriage and live it with the help of Christ. This grace of Christian marriage is a fruit of Christ’s cross, the source of all Christian life.
I Can Do All Things Through Christ Who Strengthens Me – Philippians 4:13
Those who don’t recognize God as the source and renewal of love in marriage are not necessarily going to split up; but in their disillusionment with married life, they will start to seek happiness elsewhere – maybe with other friends, material things, or affairs – anything to escape.
You are called to make a domestic church!!
In fact, the family is called the Church in miniature, the domestic church, a particular expression of the Church through the human experience of love and common life.”
2. What is a sacramental marriage?
A sacrament is:
Sacraments are outward signs of inward grace, instituted by Christ for our sanctification.
An outward sign- something you can see, hear, touch, feel. All of the sacraments have something that is affects the body. Oils that you can feel, words to hear and touch. We already covered Christ blessing marriage through the symbolism at Cana. For sanctification means literally, to be sanctified, made holy, for the purposes of going to heaven, being saved. Marriage then is the vehicle you have chosen to live a holy life, to eventually be in heaven with Christ. Theologically of course the marital act is the ultimate sign of the sacrament or marriage, but I submit that you are gracing or cursing your spouse from the moment you say, “Good morning honey,” to “Good night dear!” Every action between the spouses can be a blessing that comforts and pleases them and helps to lead the spouses together on their journey towards heaven.
Father Jackson use to say at weddings, “Mary, from now on your job is to make John happy, and John, from now on your job is to make Mary happy.” And while that sounds sweet, what he is really saying is that Mary and John, you are to die to yourself, for the sake of your new spouse!
From the Catechism.
1601 “The matrimonial covenant, by which a man and a woman establish between themselves a partnership of the whole of life, is by its nature ordered toward the good of the spouses and the procreation and education of offspring; this covenant between baptized persons has been raised by Christ the Lord to the dignity of a sacrament.”
1. partnership for life
2. Good of the spouses
3. Procreation and education of offspring
4. A covenant 100% and 100% even when the other spouse CANNOT
pregnancy
illness
despair- financial difficulties.
. So this is tough!! Why bother? What’s the purpose of a sacramental marriage vs. a secular one?
3. SO what is the mission statement of a successful sacramental marriage?
GOAL OF MARRIAGE: Opportunity to do this in Marriage – to be successful takes time, effort, dedication and goal… ULTIMATE GOAL OF MARRIAGE – To get to heaven and take your spouse and children with you!!
Matthew 619 “(1) Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy, and where thieves break in and steal. 20 “But store up for yourselves (2) treasures in heaven, where neither moth nor rust destroys, and where thieves do not break in or steal; 21 for (3) where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.
Nothing else in this life matters… NOTHING. I don’t care how many degrees you have, how big your house is, what kind of care you drive, or how much money you have. You can’t take anything else with you, only your soul. .
It is the ultimate goal and you can only take the souls of others with you!!
This is our mission statement.
4. What can block our vision for a sacramental marriage?
That widespread belief in our prevailing culture is part of what the Holy Father calls the culture of death. It is the contraceptive mentality that permeates our culture. It is not the view of God –one that glorifies God and sets heaven as the ultimate goal. It is a view that puts self and personal happiness as supreme, a view that looks as children as burdens instead of blessings, a view that takes God out of the equation. But also our own lack of knowledge about our Catholic faith and how to live a Catholic lifestyle can block our vision for what marriage can be!
But we all live in this culture! Setting our sights on heaven is like starting a pilgrimage a long journey. You could say it’s also like learning to play an instrument. Some folks will be prodigies and others will have special gifts. These would be folks like St. Theresa the little flower who just seem to have this heavenly vision from an early age onward. The rest of us have to practice.
5. So how can we live a sacramental marriage! –
A. : GIVE YOUR LIFE TO IT!!! Itzhak Perlman – violinist extraordinaire – overcame polio at age 4, practice analogy – giving total life.
Even with handicap like our friend Mr. Pearlman, until it just becomes an innate part of our lives, something we enjoy and can’t imagine living any other way.
B. Vocation… Marriage as much a vocation as priesthood, sisterhood, single life.
Marriage is a vocation. Kim Hahn: “A vocation is a call to holiness in a specific state of life. Either we submit our sexuality to the Lord in chastity through singleness, consecrated life, or Holy Orders – or we submit our sexuality to him in chastity within marriage. There is no double standard. God is holy and he wants his children to be holy too.”
Now this isn’t necessarily easy, we all come to the marriage with handicaps and problems –
Our Handicap? Elena Poor catechesis in Jr. High and High School. Not living our faith in early marriage although never totally drifting away from the church. Yet we were able to turn it around to a full rich sacramental married life – took patience, and God’s Grace. Calvin’s childbirth – hypocrite calling out for GOD!!
C. Relationship with God
Relationship with God — As individual persons and as married couple.
Private prayer and meditation
Rosary -wedding bouquet petals into rosary
Grace before meals
Personal and family devotions
Participate in the sacraments particularly Eucharist and confession!
Mass every week – maybe even weekday
Go on a post-cana weekend or other ministries – never done that but read good books
Listen to good tapes, pop em in your tape player
C. Make the home a true domestic church!!!
Live the Liturgical year!!!
Bible in the house – prominently displayed
Study Bible
Catechism Catholic Church
Religious articles in the home – pictures, crucifixes – Better Living through eBay!!
Religious medals.
Books and magazines
Music
Live the liturgical Calendar!!!
St. Thomas Day Cookies
Fish for St. Peter’s day
Table Cloth
St. of the Day – Our Lady of Lourdes
D. Purity before and during marriage.. PETE
The next step in a sacramental marriage is Love and Purity
I want to reiterate that we are here to present to you the teaching of the Church, and explain why it is worthy of belief based on our own experience. This isn’t the Gospel of Elena, or the First Epistle of Elena to the Akronites, this is what our faith teaches, and I am merely the messengers.
“The culture of death is determined to destroy purity of heart. One of its strategies is to deliberately create doubt about the value of the human attitude which we call the virtue of chastity. This is something particularly dangerous when the attack is aimed at the sensitive consciences of children and young people. A culture which in this way impairs or even destroys a correct relationship between individuals, is a culture of death, for man cannot live without love.”
– John Paul II, To young people in Poland, 13 June 1999.
1. Purity is single-mindedness; having a single purpose, which is to glorify God. You have to make up your mind that you will use save your purity and only use your sexuality in ways that give Glory and Honor to God.
2. I know this is very difficult. One of my favorite passages in the bible is about the gold tested in fire.
3. But first it has to be tested and heated.
4. “Blessed are the pure of heart, for they shall see God.” (Matt 5:8)
5. I cannot say strongly enough that unless you strive for purity of heart, you will have great difficulty finding God in your marriage. This quite simply puts your relationship at risk.
6. Purity of heart consists in cultivating the virtue of purity both in body in soul.
7. If you think about our human nature, you will realize that our physical desires can impair and sometimes even override our better judgment. We are called to s “avoid the near occasion of sin.” But the same teaching exists and applies today!
8. We must be aware of the things we allow ourselves to see and hear; knowing that we can be tempted to sin (e.g. books, magazines, TV, movies, conversations, the internet).
9. “You have heard that it was said to them of old: Thou shalt not commit adultery. But I say to you, that whosoever shall look on a woman to lust after her, hath already committed adultery with her in his heart.” (Matt 5:27-28)
10. Society tries to convince you of many errors: for example, “Look but don’t touch,” but the reality is that wandering eyes lead to a wandering imagination, which ultimately leads to a wandering heart. Sometimes the body goes as well.
11. So I’m going to ask you to do something that is hard, right now in preparation for your marriage. I am going to ask you to do something that is never asked in our society, and that is to ask you to remain chaste from this day until your marriage night. That means refraining from sex! If your goal is to get each other to heaven, to live a sacramental marriage, get started out on the right foot.
12. If you haven’t been pure, this is a great time to start over and get to confession.
13. It takes a lot of effort, and we all need to be vigilant, but you will find that, by striving for purity, the rewards are greater than you could ever expect.
14. Analogy: Fasting from food heightens the taste of food when you do eat. The same holds for marriage. If you keep your imagination pure by trying to reserve all thoughts of a sexual nature toward your spouse alone, you will be practicing purity of heart.
15. In the Consecration of the Mass, the priest says “This is my body.” We would like you to be able to repeat these words with him to your spouse on your wedding night.. This divine mystery only achieves its fullest meaning when bodily purity has been preserved. This is something that you can help each other with.
There will probably come a time in your married life that you will be asked to sacrifice your sexuality for your marriage. Prove to yourself and your spouse now that you can stand the test.
Our sexuality is for within the bounds of marriage only.
E. Children are Supreme Gift of Married Life
1604. Since God created him man and woman, their mutual love becomes an image of the absolute and unfailing love with which God loves man. It is good, very good, in the Creator’s eyes. And this love which God blesses is intended to be fruitful and to be realized in the common work of watching over creation: “And God blessed them, and God said to them: ‘Be fruitful and multiply, and fill the earth and subdue it.'”
1. Many people underestimate the importance of having children on the growth, stability and joy that comes from married life.
2. Fruitfulness is required for the life and good health of the marriage.
Psalm 127
Behold, (6) children are a gift of the LORD, The (7) fruit of the womb is a reward. 4 Like arrows in the hand of a (8) warrior, So are the children of one’s youth. 5 How (9) blessed is the man whose quiver is full of them;
Psalm 1273 Behold, (1) children are a gift of the LORD, The (2) fruit of the womb is a reward.
Psalm 128Blessedness of the Fear of the LORD.A Song of Ascents.1 (1) How blessed is everyone who fears the LORD, Who (2) walks in His ways. 2 When you shall (3) eat of the [1] (4) fruit of your hands, You will be happy and (5) it will be well with you. 3 Your wife shall be like a (6) fruitful vine Within your house, Your children like (7) olive plants Around your table. 4 Behold, for thus shall the man be blessed Who fears the LORD.
Matthew 19:14But Jesus said, “[Matt 18:3; Mark 10:15; Luke 18:17; 1 Cor 14:20; 1 Pet 2:2] Let the children alone, and do not hinder them from coming to Me; for [Matt 5:3] the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these.”
In scriptures, children are always a blessing, they are never a curse!
God commands Adam and Eve to be fruitful and multiply – to fill the earth and he reiterates that after the fall with Noah.
1 Timothy says Women saved by child bearing if she proceeds in faith love and I believe it!
Now certainly there are other sins that come forward – screaming at the kids, an lack of patience come to mind – but those are really chances to learn to grow. You simply don’t have other sins because you don’t have the time or energy!
Didn’t really learn my faith until I had to teach it. We homeschool – every day I would read something new I was teaching Calvin and couldn’t wait to share it with Peter – children’s bibles then adult.
Children teach us soo much!! I’ve seen myself in their eyes- of course they pick up all my bad habits, and say things I shouldn’t say. But each child as an individual has taught us something.
Calvin – the wonder of God’s creation – but I could see the graces God gave my son- needs a lot of correction – but doesn’t harbor a grudge, easy going. Things roll off his back easily.
Sam – a true child like pure faith and love of God – something innate not taught.
Gabe – the stealth kid – taught me about survival and joy! Always pleasant.
Noah – tested me – very high needs child – lots of hugs, lots of reassurance
Isadora – my reward for 4 boys!! The difference between boys and girls, very feminine, a true helper – loves Mary and Baby Jesus – good helper.
Last year I was criticized on one of the evaluations for mentioning my stillborn son, Raphael. But I can’t imagine leaving him out. I am a Catholic Christian, I believe in the communion of saints and since I truly do believe that, I believe my child is as much a part of my life as if he were here in the flesh and I was raising him. I also mention him because, God used that experience to draw me closer to Himself. I grew by leaps and bounds in my spiritual life after going through that very special suffering of a still birth.
Raphael – I truly felt the presence of God in my life when Raphael died. No hospital, birth at home, able to be with him a bit, – All Saints Day, the comedy surrounding it – so that I can’t think just of that day without laughing a little. That was a grace of God because I think He knew I couldn’t survive that experience without some humor. I was afraid to look but – taught me the dignity of all children been before birth. Humanity of the human body, How love surpasses death and reminded me to pray for my other loved ones already in purgatory – take care of my baby. He taught me about suffering and how to cope with a loss – literally made a choice to get up and live when I just wanted to die too. Never loved my husband more than when he picked up that little casket and carried it forward for his funeral mass. His death taught me to appreciate this life, and that life can be taken at any time – it really is a gift and not to take it for granted.
Rosie, to trust again.
And despite all the crosses that come with a large family, laundry, mess, space, lack of sleep, worry, I would do it all again and I am open to doing it again because these precious gifts, every one of them have brought so much into my life.
I realize that sometimes it is difficult to be open to new life – after difficult childbirth I was psychologically not ready to think about another baby for a year. NFP is wonderful for that – you’ll hear a good talk on it this afternoon. I urge you to pay attention and to attend a series of NFP classes before your wedding just in case there are circumstances where you must postpone or avoid pregnancy. Artificial birth control is not a licit option in a sacramental marriage. In fact, artificial birth control is the one thing that the catechism calls “intrinsically evil.” Despite what you may have heard, that is still authentic Catholic teaching. I also urge you to read Humanae Vitae and Why HV was right by Janet Smith, as well as Kimberly Hahn’s Book, Life Giving Love.
To reiterate, for a successful sacramental marriage, you must
1. Give your life to it
2. Have a personal relationship with God
3. Have a relationship as a couple with God in your Domestic Church
4. Practice purity before and during your marriage.
5. Be open to the blessings of new life.
I hope that we have challenged you think of some ways in which you can incorporate your Catholic faith into your marriage. We wish you much joy and happiness in your married life. May God Bless all of you and bless you abundantly!
Closing Prayer
Eternal God, without your grace no promise is sure. Strengthen these engaged couples with the gift of your Spirit, so they may be ready to fulfill the vows they will soon take. Keep them faithful to each other and to You. Fill them with such love and joy that they may build a home where everyone is welcome. Guide them by your word to serve you all the days of their lives; through Jesus Christ our Lord, to whom be glory and honor forever and ever. Amen.
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